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Submitted on
August 7
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I strike the match.

I strike the match and
nothing happens.

I strike the match
and the wind blows out
the flame.

I strike the match and
the girl with the dragon ring
grabs the matches and
crushes them with her heel.

But she holds up the sparkler
as if it were burning.
For Writers-Workshop's August Workshop on Dr. William Carlos Williams' poetry.

What do you guys think?

Inspired by Canada Day 2014.
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:iconarthisa:
Arthisa Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Ooh, this is really nice! To be honest, I think I might have liked this better without "the girl with the dragon ring". I don't dislike it, but I think it brings a specific kind of color to the poem (a kind of more fanciful, fantastic tone) where I don't think it was needed. It is pretty cool though. The last image is the most powerful. I still think you can tweak the wording a little though, maybe add an adverb ("still", "yet"?). The rhythm in the next-to-last line is a little bit off in my opinion (I like the last line as it is). One idea to maybe play with would be to break down the line into two lines...
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:iconguineveretogwen:
GuinevereToGwen Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2014  Student Writer
Thanks so much for the input! I'm glad you liked it. I agree that the rhythm in the last line is a little off.
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:iconarthurthebraveone:
ArthurTheBraveOne Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I just came here to express my love for this piece. Love the way your final stanza is now, too :)
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:iconguineveretogwen:
GuinevereToGwen Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much! :hug: Glad you liked it. :D
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:iconbluestanza:
BlueStanza Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is lovely and reminds me of the old tale of the little match girl.  She was an orphan that lived on the streets selling matches.  One winter day, it was so cold, that she took all of the matches and lit them just to feel the brief warmth.  Then, of course, she froze to death, but dreamed of warmth and fires and family as she passed away. :(
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:iconguineveretogwen:
GuinevereToGwen Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Student Writer
That story always made me cry when I was a kid. :(

I never connected those two pieces though, that's really interesting! Thank you. :)
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:iconbluestanza:
BlueStanza Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Lol, me too! You're very welcome. ^^
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:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2014  Student Writer
Oh this is by far my favorite one. :heart:

I'll make another contribution to the rewording of your last stanza, haha. Perhaps you could do this:

She holds up the sparkler
anyway
just as if it were burning.


or

And she holds up the sparkler
anyway
as if it were burning.


But yeah, that's the only part I'd suggest you play with. This is really lovey.
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:iconguineveretogwen:
GuinevereToGwen Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much! Yeah, that seems to be a troubled stanza. ;P Thanks for the suggestions. :)
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:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2014  Student Writer
:iconpirateglompplz:

You're welcome. I hope you can work something out that makes you happy!
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